The Early Years
I had a pretty happy childhood growing up. I have two sisters and I am the middle child. I know I know you are thinking about Jan Brady huh? I never had the middle child syndrome as some have said they had. My two sisters are very talented musically and I am the creative, artsy and only one who bakes and cooks. I was a very shy little girl so although I didn’t do a lot talking I was really good at observing the people around me. It didn’t take long for me to realize that chubby cheeks just were not the “in” thing to have.
The Awkward Years
When you are small the chubby little cheek thing is cute but then you grow up a bit and then it just becomes awkward. This is the time kids just start being mean.I think we all go through it but it still hurts just the same. I started hearing words like chubby and fatty. You have heard it said “that sticks and stones may hurt my bones but words will never hurt me”.Whoever said that couldn’t have been farther from the truth because words do hurt and they stick to you like glue. I was old enough to know I was a little chubby and those words did sting but I was way more concerned just being with my friends and having fun.
From Then Until Now
Life got somewhat normal or normal for me. I started working at the cutest little upscale consignment boutique in which I still work at today It opened a lot of door of opportunities for me and really brought me out my shell. I was able to use my creative talents with visual merchandising and customer sales. I developed great friendships and moved out of my parents house and lived with some friends. Life was good and fun but I still struggled with my self-image and just never felt comfortable on the inside. I started walking on a regular basis but still loved food way too much.The heaviest I became was 140 pounds and although that is not “heavy” it was heavy for me and my frame. I had become prisoned again to the number on the scale. I felt so miserable that I tried depriving myself again but I just couldn’t get into that routine again. Although I can’t remember when I started abusing laxatives and purging that is exactly what I started doing. I have never been a binge eater I would just purge the normal amounts of food I would eat everyday. My system was so screwed up with the laxative abuse that it scared me enough to at least stop that.It didn’t take long before I was back down to around 105 and although I thought I had achieved happiness I was so miserable on the inside. My destructive habits were my secret which made it worse because I just felt alone in my struggle.I evetually opened up to a trusted friend and that allowed me to let her keep me accountable. She was not a therapist but did and has done a great job in leading me in the right path. She still keeps me accountable today
Over the next years and up until now I have done a pretty good job of controlling my disordered eating but am ashamed of saying that up until this year there still had been times I turned to purging. It leaves you so exhausted that at the beginning of this year I made a commitment to myself to stop the madness! I immersed my self in reading books and finally found my way to reading blogs. I stumbled upon http://ohsheglows.com and started following her blog. She was and still is a great inspiration to me. It got me all geared up to truly start taking care of me. I started dabbling in running and found I love it ! I started being mindful of the foods I was putting into my body and couldn’t be happier then cutting out the processed stuff and eating a ton of fruits and vegetables. I have experimented with eating a raw , vegetarian and vegan diet and what I have discovered is that I’m all these rolled into one. Confusing I know but that’s where I am right now. This year has been a very liberating year for me because I now feel my best and I can truly look myself in the eyes and say I love you.
I have learned a lot about me over the years and I believe experience is the best teacher. I learned the hard way so that’s why I am here blogging about it. I want to encourage anyone out there who struggles with disordered eating to know they don’t have to. You are more than a number on scale or what size your clothes tell you. I am here to say its possible to be happy with who you are . Food is not the enemy and it is true that exercise can be fun. you have to find what works for you. I am happy to share my story and to be apart of the blogging community